Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Greetings from the Dolomites!

Aaaaaaaah! Someone pinch me because I need to know if this life I am living is actaully a dream or not.

I have been here in this spectacular setting since Saturday afternoon. I bid farewell to Mr. Wonderful and stared straight down the barrel of a four hour road trip. Hungover. Ouch!

I had a ski lesson on Monday. Word of warning for all of you thrill seekers out there: Don't try starting out on inter-freaking-mediate if you're only a beginner. I swear I could have squealed hard enough to start an avalanche.

This is just a quick post for I have slopes to assault. Or at least attempt to assault. Another lesson today with the Italian that calls me 'Renees'. Hello Dipshit! I know I'm carrying a bit of weight but there ain't two of me!! PLEASE!

I leave here on Friday and will fall straight into the arms of Mr Wonderful! Sickening, but true! *SIGH*

If anyone's looking for me I'm the one in the AQUAMARINE ski suit. Feelin' HOT HOT HOT!

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Over the Top

OMFG. I am hungover like a mo' fo'.

Last night I went to Kiwi Jenny's house and spoke about all things antipodean. Conversations covered topics such as cock, hot cock, big cock, Ital cock, bad cock, new cock, old cock, potential cock and the like. Copious amounts of wine were consumed depsite the fact that I took my massage table over to give KJ a massage (no happy ending) and didn't actually end up giving her a massage. I was intending to stay the night but I ended up walking around the corner to Mr Wonderful's house as drunk as a skunk and smelling like an ashtray. Classy number.

Random thoughts for today:

*Does anyone give a nun's nasty about the Commonwealth Games? Just curioso.

*My mobile has mal-fucking-functioned yet a-fucking-gain. Due to the burgeoning relationship with Mr Wonderful I'm finding it difficult to breathe. The only key that works is the 'no' key. So if anyone calls I have to hang up on them and I can't read or send sms's. I'm going to buy a new one this afternoon so I can smash this freaking thing into a million pieces once and for all. My friends just called from Aus (no doubt for the Mr Wonderful spicy Ital salami saga....news travels fast) and I couldn't answer it. My Irritable Bitch Syndrome (IBS) is flaring up......

*My shoulder hurts and so does my ass due to a fabulous exercise session yesterday afternoon. My god, I love to exercise. There's nothing quite like it. Bring that shit right on.

*The Doggies won last Friday nite. Kicked the team that took out the premiership last season's ass. Hopefully they'll win tomorrow nite in the same fashion, but the Knights are in good form. I will be wearing my 'Proud to be a Bulldog' wristband for good luck. If they lose, I'll have to reconsider wearing it next time.

*Why do straight guy's like anal? I don't get it. Enlighten moi.

*Check out the Word of the Day: Word of the Day paterfamilias \pay-tuhr-fuh-MIL-ee-uhs; pat-uhr-; pah-\, noun; plural patresfamilias \pay-treez-; pat-reez-; pah-treez-\: The male head of a household or the father of a family.

*Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I'm going skiing for a week on Saturday and have been pondering this thought. Maybe I'll be over the whole Mr Wonderful thing by the time I return or maybe he'll be over me. Ah! 'Shattered Dreams and Twisted Fairytales' the story of my life. Are there any clairvoyants reading this that are picking up a vibe??? (I'm serious, BTW)

And..........drum roll please, for I have saved the best for last....................

*Has anyone seen this great movie???? It's tres fucking cool. My fave line is at the end when the boy goes see Sly Stallone at the tournament and yells emotionally 'Over the top, Dad! Over the top!'. Funnily enough, this enables the arm wrestling Stallone to dig deep and perform his 'Over the Top' maneuver and take out the arm wrestling title. At least I think that's how it ends. What I loved about this movie in particular was the arm wrestling and trucker theme. I saw it a couple of months ago here in Italia. I just wish I had have paid more attention so I knew how to say 'Over the top' in Italian.

PS The hangover is getting better! Hoorah!

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

An Early Morning Walk on the Wild Side

This morning whilst driving back home from Mr. Wonderful's* house I was met with a whole lot of hubbub going on in the main street of The Ganza. There are two ways to get to my road and this is the route I usually take. I turn off the main street into my street. I realised that they were setting up for the markets that are held every Tuesday. I was a little pressed for time and I seriously couldn't be bothered reversing and going around the block to get to my house, and to be honest, that sort of common sense rarely enters my mind. I have also adopted the Italian way of driving: 'Every Bitch For Themselves'.

So I drove up cautiously, saw the Polizia, who had parked their vehicle part way across the street in a 'road block' kind of way. The Polizia started walking towards the side of the road over to some shops. I seized the opportunity. I cranked the stereo with the music from Mission:Impossible blasting, dropped the clutch, smoked those bad boys up and fishtailed my way past the guy who was unpacking some fruit at his stall.** I got to the barricade that was blocking my road and tried to squeeze the car in between it and the truck. Alas! Trapped! So I had to get out and try and quickly and inconspicuously drag the barricade a little to the side, jump back into the get-away car and drive to safety. But it didn't actually end up like that.....

The Scene of the Crime: barricade, truck and super fast get-away car

As I got out of the car and had one hand on the barricade I heard it. The sound of the Polizia's whistle. Blowing in my direction. I turned around and he starts yelling something at me. Enter: 'Stupid Australian Tourist of the Female Variety'. He was saying something in Italian to me so I just said back in English 'I don't speak Italian'. Then sensing an asshole, I just quickly said the same thing in bad Italian so he got he was left with no doubt that he was dealing with a SAT of the FV.

He then pulled the barricade aside for me and told me to pull the car over and get out my documents. He started telling me I can't drive down here blah blah blah. I told him that I just lived here, and he told me that I needed to drive around because the markets were on. So I said 'Oh, I didn't know' acting all brain dead. He then signaled to the markets in a manner that implied 'Even Blind Freddy could see there are freaking markets on here today. Look at all the trucks you SAT of the FV!' Then I started apologising and he said 'It's just on Tuesdays'. So I repeated 'Oh okay. So only on Tuesdays? I understand'. I apologised again before driving the get-away car an extra two metres so I could park it.

Don't try that at home kids.

*name subject to change
**this sentence 'based on' a true story

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Life's Good

What a weekend party peeps!

Friday night we went to the Irish bar for St Patricks Day. That was fun in a kind of painful way due to the amount of students wanting to speak in English/eavesdrop on our mother tongue conversations to see how much they could understand. One highly alluring (read: possibly the most ugly man earth) man tried to chat up Giorgina much to my delight. I say 'delight' because he was one smooth operator. With lines like 'I've been to America and all the women are fat' (Giorgina is English so I didn't really see the correlation), I don't know why she didn't tear his clothes off and mount him then and there.

After the Irish pub we rocked on to a club called Dada. We met up with some friends of Giorgina's, me kissing on with Vito, a guy with a broken wrist. He called the next night to go to Dada again, but I was already out cold.

For the most part Sunday was a lazy day, but when the sun came out in the afternoon we decided to do the Ital thing and go for an afternoon stroll up to the square. We hit the jackpot because there was some kind of festa happening with food, wine, music and lots of eye candy sniffing around. Allie and I were going up to meet Maritza, but that all turned pear shaped when she called one too many times to find out where were and I lost my cool and yelled 'We're almost there. For fucks sake!' and hung up on her. Needless to say, when we finally made it out the other side of the throngs festa goers she was no longer waiting there for us. Never mind.

Sans Maritza, Allie and I went back to the festa, ate and drank and then headed to a bar where there was a dj playing some cool music. We ended up staying there all night, befriending the camp gay guy and his friend. His friend is straight, hot, has an easy to pronounce name (always a plus), daddy's a millionaire and he took a liking to none other than The Cherry Bomb. I mean, he's only human, right? You can't blame the guy. We all went back to his place after the bar and his friend said to me 'So you will have some sex tonight? Some STRONG sex?'.

I'm seeing Mr. Wonderful again tonight. 'You will heat with me this night?' he asked me this morning. (FYI, Ital's like add the letter h to words like 'eat' and leave it off words where it is actually required) I know if I was playing by 'The Rules' I would have to say no, you know, can't be too available. But since I don't do The Rules said yes I would 'heat with him this night'. I just received an sms from him telling me he was at work and was thinking of me....

Despite the fact that I just threw up due to excessive amounts of alcohol consumed over the weekend, there's a spring in my step, a smile on my face and romance in the air!

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Weekend Wrap Up

It's been a long time between drinks folks, but here is a wrap up of last weekend in this great land of Italia!

Friday Night

Not the greatest shot, I admit. But just in case you can't read what it says under 'Grooviera' allow me to enlighten you. It reads 'Fashion Club'. I don't know which part of the name I like more. The fact that the name is a play on words with a type of cheese and another term for dance, or that it's a 'fashion club'. Whichever way you want to look at it, it's pure class.

So the rest of the teachers and I were out to celebrate a birthday. There were lots of 'highlights' including the caveman type friend of the birthday girl actually acting like a caveman when food and beer came out. I'm talking banging her (yes it was a girl but resembled a caveman) knife and fork on the table when the food came out and the like. I was amazed that anyone over the age of five acted ever like this. So that part was kind of embarrassing because she was sitting opposite Maritza and I.

There was also a bachelorette party on the table next to ours. I love witnessing bachelorette parties, especially of the public and lame variety. The bride-to-be looked like she'd got her hair caught in a roll of red tulle while walking out of a textile shop and really got wild at one stage by standing on a table to dance. The craziness barely lasted two seconds before security told her to get down, which she did and then proceeded to dish out high fives to her fellow revellers. Talk about too hot to handle!

Maritza and pulled out some hot dance moves when the live band were strutting their stuff. The crown for the dance off went to Maritza this time for pulling out the Rocking Horse early on in the piece. If only I'd been intoxicated, I'd have stolen the Wheel Barrel maneuver from Claudia and taken the title for myself.

Saturday

Maritza and I went on a mini road trip to Mantova, which is just an hour away, hence the use of 'mini'. It's a beautiful little town. We just strolled around, took pictures and sat in a cafe before heading back to hang out in Parma.

I'll be adding all of these pics onto my other site too a bit later.

Sunday

This was a great day despite the fact that it was freezing cold, snowing and made me get sick this week. I went to my first ever soccer game. It was awesome! Parma won and Bresciano (the Australian pictured in Number 23 above) scored a goal. Yay! The cops and their helmets were on hand in case any brawls broke out and they all took a shine to Jenny and I with the hottest one getting our numbers. He called later on and said he and some of his mates would be coming to meet up with us for a drink. My one track mind was firmly set on crotch shots, but the dream was shattered when they called to cancel an hour later. We have a sneaking suspicion they were inebriated and not able to travel the 60kms to meet us. Better luck next time!

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Thursday, March 09, 2006

Who Let the Dogs Out? Who?! Who?!

This will probably be a boring post for the vast majority of you all. In fact, I'll go so far as to say for ALL of you. Nevertheless, I type on....

This weekend back in The Land Down Under is the first round of the National Rugby League competition. It just so happens that I am completely obsessed with this competition and even more obsessed with my beloved Canterbury Bulldogs.

The Doggies didn't do so well last season, due to injuries, but they were 2004 Premiers. I'm hoping for HUGE things this year Doggies, so let's pull those fingers out and get cracking!

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

World's Biggest Fuck Knuckle?

If you didn't think he was before, I'm sure these pictures will convince you............





Keep in mind, I don't think I've ever seen the Australian Prime Minister ever attempt to play cricket (in front of cameras).

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Cheeky

OMFG.
Can people really not feel a gentle breeze caressing their half exposed ass cheeks? If not a gentle breeze, what about a gale force wind? I mean if half of your freaking ass is hanging out of your jeans, something is going to feel slightly amiss. Well, that's what thought anyway. Apparently not the case.

Tonight I was watching Striscia as I was dying to see who would take Michelle's place as the co host. So, there I was all ready for the grand entrance. The guy host introduces her, the crowd cheers and suddenly, the camera angle is such that I find myself copping a massive eyeful of the top half or her rear end, crack included, spilling over the top of her jeans. I don't think the camera man or the rest of Italy was ready for that because the camera did not go in for a closer crack inspection.

The thing that amazed me, eventhough she didn't know that this great nation had just been privy to a case of 'too much information', was that she mincing around and posing as though she didn't have her ass out there. As though she didn't know it was hanging out. As though she gets around every day like that, with literally half the length of her cheeks playing peek-a-boo. I've seen pics of the celebs with their pants hanging over the top of their jeans, but this honestly topped them all. I've never seen anyone's cup runneth over quite as much as her's.

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Congratulazioni!

A big CONGRATULATIONS to my best gal pal Ju-Ju and her fabulous husband Drew-Drew! (rhyming names are so hot right now, so if anyone can point me in the direction of a 'Terry' I'd be eternally grateful).

The two gorgeous bitches celebrated their love for one another by throwing a party in The Land Down Under on Saturday night, with loved ones. Oh, and I believe The Wench was also in attendance and pray to god she kept her clothes on. A notable absence was The Cherry, but I was lucky enough to be present at the actual wedding in Byron Bay when they eloped.

J. T. hyphen C....You'll always be The Little Goer to me
DC.....What is is!

I hope a fabulous night was had by all and that the fireworks went off with a BANG!

Charge your glasses and let us toast to Jules and Drew! HOORAH!

In the Artistic Black & White Picture: The happy couple on their 'Special Day' and that's me on the left. Yeah, the bitter looking spinster in black....

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Angelino Crazee

Last night I went with Soe and her husband Luciano to a place where he practices ping pong. Luciano played soccer for many many moons before making the obvious and natural transition into the exciting world of ping pong. Walking into the room where the practicing takes place, you could be forgiven for thinking that you had walked into the Annual Geek Fest awards, such is the talent (or lack thereof) sniffing around. Any one of them could be a contender, and like Luciano, they take their ping pong very seriously indeed. Who wouldn't?

Soe and I had a bit of a ping at the pong and, if I may so, I think I showed a natural flair pinging the pong. After that we retreated to the bar to eat and watch the San Remo Song Festival before the ping pong professionals joined us. As much as I would've loved to have taken some crotch shots, the thought repulsed me, given the company I was in.

I didn't come away empty handed, however, and instead of crotch shots took the the best thing. Shots of the resident crazy a la Angelino. Angelino has two teeth in the top row, ideally positioned in the 'fang' section of the gum, roughly the same amount of brain cells, a distinct lack of ability to string two words together and has no idea that a country called Australia exists. He was harmless, amusing and hung with us for a while. He was also kind enough to pose for a few pictures. I think you'll agree that I've captured the essence of 'Angelino Crazee'.

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Captain Travolta in the Cockpit

Dear John,

Prey tell, are you in need of a new stylist? It's just that I've noticed that all you ever seem to wear anywhere in the world is this tired old pilot's costume. I've seen you wear it in Australia and now in Italy. I dread to think how many other countries you've been spotted sporting this number. Didn't you know there are cameras on you everywhere you go and that you should never wear the same thing twice?

I think, by now, everyone knows you own and fly your own plane and the whole 'Qantas thing'. Surely the fact that you own the plane entitles you to wear something casual during the flight....Correct me if I'm wrong....

Regards,
Cherry

PS For a different 'new improved' look why don't you try attaching the plane the to end of your penis (after landing of course) and dangling your captain's hat from the end of the penis extension? Just a suggestion.

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Francesco Arca

I took these pictures of my bf last night when we'd finished clearing the dishes after dinner.

I think he looks quite natural behind the camera, but he refuses to let me take crotch shots.

Posted by Cherry! :: 9:56 pm :: 8 fans want a piece of The Cherry!

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